


Pumpkin Juice Pubes

by drarrynox



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Draco is a prat, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Third Year, Hogwarts sex ed, Oneshot, but its funny, not actual much sex ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 23:56:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15376212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drarrynox/pseuds/drarrynox
Summary: "I bet Potter couldn't find his penis if he had a pair of tweezers and a magnifying glass."Hogwarts sex-ed oneshot but Draco is a prat.





	Pumpkin Juice Pubes

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic so hope you enjoy!

Harry walked on his way to the hospital wing with Ron and Hermione for the first ‘Wizarding Sexual Education’ lesson of the year, while he listened to Ron complain about “How barmy the Professors are to put the whole year into one class.” Harry privately agreed, knowing how chaotic it could get with some of the Slytherins, but didn’t voice his opinion as they were nearing the Infirmary.

Hermione then started to wonder aloud what they would be learning, and started quoting some books she read in advance. Harry and Ron burst out laughing, as Hermione didn’t understand what was wrong with “knowing your stuff.”

Still laughing, the Trio walked into the Hospital Wing, where they were fiercely “Shhh”’d by Madam Pomfrey. The Hospital Wing had been arranged into 6 rows of chairs, and the Trio took a seat in the third row. As the other students started to file in, there was more chatter about what this class would be covering.

Madam Pomfrey silenced this chatter with a “Enough students. Today we will start the Wizarding Sexual Education programme, and talking about how you all grow and change from children to young Wizards and Witches. You are in your third year now, so I expect maturity from you all, and trust you to keep whatever is said in this classroom.”

“Today, we will be covering the physical changes you will endure as you change from children to adolescents to adults.” She continued. “Now, can anyone name a physical change as one begins puberty?”

Hermione immediately put her hand up. “Yes, Miss Granger?”

“Girls start to develop wider hips and breasts, and begin menstruation. Boys penis’ grow larger, their voices drop and start getting facial hair. Both sexes grow taller, develop pubic hair and may get acne.”

“Bit excited there, Granger?” Draco Malfoy commented, and the Slytherins laughed. 

“That will be enough, Mr Malfoy. Thank you Miss Granger, I believe you covered everything we will be learning today.”

Draco whispered something too quietly for Harry to hear, and the Slytherins around him snickered, apart from Pansy Parkinson who laughed obnoxiously before realising Draco was glaring at her, and abruptly stopped. 

“Thank you. As Miss Granger has already mentioned, there are different changes for different sexes. Women develop larger hips, preparing to carry a child and develop breasts, in order to prepare for breastfeeding. They also experience menstruation, commonly known as your ‘period’, which is needed to conceive a child.”

“You may look around and see that either yourself or you female peers may have started these changes. People change as different ages, so there is no need to worry if you experience this later than others.” 

Hermione blushed, as it was obvious that she hadn’t started puberty yet, and her chest was completely flat. In fact, majority of the boys had bigger chests than her. Malfoy noticed this too and made a point of it aloud, but not loud enough for Madam Pomfrey to hear, “I found out why Granger is so excited, she thinks it will make people like her. Thats never going to happen, stupid Mudblood.”

Harry was about to stand up and defend Hermione, but was pulled down by her just as Madam Pomfrey continued talking.

“Quiet now. Boys experience changes such as getting a lower voice, their penis growing larger and facial hair starting to develop.”

“I bet Potter couldn’t find his penis if he had a pair of tweezers and a magnifying glass.” Draco Malfoy interrupted, just loud enough for everyone to hear, and half the class laughed while the other half glared at him.

“Ten points from Slytherin, Mr Malfoy, for disruption of a lesson and humiliation of a peer.” It was too late however, as Harry had already gone red. 

The Slytherin scowled, but went quiet, so Madam Pomfrey continued her lecture. “Both males and females will start to experience height changes, acne, as well as growing hair in your armpits and pubic area."

Malfoy started laughing hysterically, and the whole class turned and stared at him. “What now, Mr Malfoy?” Madam Pomfrey said with an exasperated sigh. 

Between giggles, Malfoy stood up and said “Imagine what it would like to be Weasley and have ginger pubes. Like pumpkin juice. Hey Weasley, your new name is Pumpkin juice pubes!” Draco laughed and sat back down.

Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes and took another ten points of Slytherin. “I hope that the rest of you ignore his immaturity and know that there is nothing wrong with when and how you develop. The next lesson for this programme will be Thursday the 4th of November, and I expect to see you all here and acting appropriately,” She finished, eyeing Draco.

No one moved.

“What are you waiting for? Class dismissed.”

Harry, Ron and Hermione left the Hospital Wing, all feeling extremely embarrassed, and not wanting to go to another lesson.  


**Author's Note:**

> I realise theres not much sex-ed in it but its more for the humour than anything else.


End file.
